Stray People

So today I came off the 64 exit to Grand & a guy was sitting there in the near 100 degree weather holding a sign, the typical "homeless please help" sort of thing...

I came back by on the way home 2 hours later and he was still sitting there, wiping sweat from his brow... he was dirty and sweaty and looked pretty sad.. sometimes I wonder if these people are really homeless or just trying to "trick" us. But even if he's not really homeless - things must be pretty rough to sit on a noisy corner all day in the terrible heat and sun relying on a good hearted person to drive by and throw out some spare change, because we all know how disconnected people are now & how most of the world has learned to become callus to the suffering of another and turn their cheek.

So I went to the gas station, bought a big bottle of water & a sandwich for him. Returned to his spot & he was still there. I rolled down the window & said "I have somethin for ya" - handed him the water & he started to sit back down. Reached back out with the sandwich & he smiled & took it. Then I gave him $2 - it may not be much but it won't break me and everyone could use a lift when they're down. It's not like someone HAS to be homeless to deserve help. I told him good luck and he kindly thanked me. I wish I could offer him a shower and a home cooked dinner.... but the world is too cruel to trust a stranger these days. So heartbreaking that we can't even help our fellow man for fear that he may hurt us.... I hope he finds his way in this world.

I feel like the little girl I was who wanted to help the stray cats and dogs has grown up into someone who wants to take care of all the stray people... it's too hard and risky to help them all. So I usually just keep driving and it breaks my heart every time. Even if these people really aren't homeless, everyone could use something to eat and/or drink. I've thought about keeping a case of water in my car to give to people like him, but it's so hot in MO it wouldn't be good to drink...

I watched him in the mirror though... he opened the water & drank about 1/4 of it before he stopped... then he wiped his head... and opened the sandwich and started eating it & then I noticed he had missing teeth by how he was eating, maybe no teeth. I was so close to offering him a ride to air conditioning & a shower... but I can't bring some man into my home without any real idea of what the outcome would be... my heart hurts... I hope he finds something to give him a new life or that this is only temporary. I wish I had the answer for him, and the rest of the stray people out there. But I'm only one person, and there are so many strays... if only the rest of the world gave a damn. All of us, not just some. We're supposed to all be in this together, we are MANKIND but everyone is so divided. I fear it will grow worse with time, as that is what history has shown. Prove me wrong world, please?

Rainy Day Drunk

::: An oldie but goodie... from October 2006 :::

I called my boss yesterday to ask about what time to be at the office today and was told I could have the day off... I had plenty to do for class so accepted this as a stoke of luck. I drove to SIU in the nasty, cold rain.. and once I had accomplished everything I was capable of within those few hours, followed the same route back home. The weather was disgusting, but the scenery was amazing. The leaves have finally managed to change color a bit, so there are several trees with bright yellow leaves... the rain saturated all the colors of the leaves and darkened the trees beneath the glowing foliage so they nearly burned while suspended in air. It was surprisingly satisfying, and driving over the leaf-covered pavement I felt a sense of calm serenity and contentment. Life is good.

I approached a figure on the side of the road as I passed through Tamms. My intitial thought was to continue driving, as I normally would. People are scary these days, no one can be trusted and you never know what motives a person has as they are road-side wandering. I glanced at my rear view which displays the outer temperature and it read 45 degrees - pretty cold for in the windy rain. All of this happened within less than a second and as I looked at this person (which at this point, I could not determine gender) I could not help but wonder why they would be walking in this kind of weather. The clothing was not of the highest quality, and this person's arm was raised in an attempt to block some rain from the face and eyes... this was definitely not a leisurely stroll for fun.

I pulled near the side of the road and shouted to the person that I would give them a ride. She turned around and beneath the raised arm and mist, I saw the weathered and exhausted face of this woman. She had a plastic bag in her hand. She declined the offer, then gazed ahead toward the distance left to travel. I asked if she were sure, and she then approached the car. I took this approach as a persuasion to accept and unlocked the door. She sort of stumbled into the car and dragged in her plastc bag. I had assumed it were groceries or something of the sort, but once I saw the bag I noticed it was filled tightly with cans of beer. She smelled very strongly of liquor. Her gaze seemed hazy. And the meloncholy realization fell upon me... she had walked in the cold, disgusting rain to the bar in town to get more liquor, after she was already quite intoxicated.

I pulled back onto the road and asked her how far we were going, and she pointed. I looked at her face again. She seemed like the kind of person that looked years beyond her actual age; cursed with the days of her life making an impression on her face. The form of her wrinkles and expression showed she had not been blessed with an easy life. Defeat. That was the description that fit her face. She looked a bit confused too. But defeat... the defeat in her face... it is undescribable.

We neared the driveway and she asked me to just let her out into the street. I insisted that I at least pull as close to the driveway as possible. She thanked me as she stumbled her way out of the car. I wished for insightful and wise words to leave her with, something that would make a difference, change her life, give her hope. But of course I had nothing... I simply told her to have a good evening and try not to get out in such nasty weather. All I could think of on my way home was the contentment I felt before my brush with this person, and how it was now that look in her eyes and face that would not leave me.

It amazes me the difference in addictions from person to person. Alcohol in particular. some love the entire experience.. they don't mind that they are alcoholics and infact, enjoy it; it is a way of life. They are happy, drunk or sober - but mostly when drunk. Then there are those like this defeated woman, who have given up somewhere, at some time. Something has taken over them and has a grip on them, they have no control, they are defeated. She wasn't getting liquor because she wanted it, she was getting it because she had to. There was no other choice. It had a hold on her. So she ventured out into inclement weather and let it control her... and didn't want to, but perhaps knows no other way. And therefore, she was defeated again. I always wonder what happened to these people and when.... was it from the beginning? From thier childhood onward? Did something happen later in life to make them give up? Sometimes it's easier to give up at the time... but that makes it nearly impossible in the long run. It's harder at the time to keep from falling apart and continue on, but later is easier if you held on during that terrible time; instead of having to pick up the pieces later.

I wonder what happened to this rainy day drunk and when, to make her give up. She may not be defeated during every moment of every day, but she certainly was when I happened upon her... I wish I knew something to help every person who feels the way she seemed to feel. The only advice I can offer is to not fall apart, because then you don't have to put yourself back together. Now, how you do that? That's beyond me...

america, the beautiful?

It saddens me how divided humanity is becoming. It disappoints me that Americans are so inconsiderate... I can't figure out what is wrong with people!

I honestly blame George Bush for the most part.. here is why. Politics always brought division between people, but it used to spark intelligent conversations and comparisons on what is best as a whole for our people. There used to be a difference of opinions, but a compromise was met a bit more - or at least the good of the people was the intention behind what was done (well, they used to be more convincing that was the intention, anyway).

During the 8 years of W (aka, hell if you ask me) Democrats really truly saw how much they disagree with Republican views; if this man is indeed that representation. This idiot representing the people of America was a rude redneck, a biggot and did not have much care for humanity. In fear of looking "wrong" the Republicans (most) supported every bad decision W made, and it seems that political parties have gone further from each other than ever. Meanwhile, Democrats sat by in shock that anyone could back this instead of admitting to a mistake. Feeling the need to counter-act that; they became far more liberal than before, to assure no one would suspect them of supporting the overwhelmingly conservative bad decisions being made by W.

No matter what your political views, consider this: America as a whole is now seen as a bunch of country bumpkin, ignorant, biggots by other countries because of him. Of course not all of us, but the over-all. Have we forgotten that WE (Americans) are NOT the only ones that count??? YOUR opinion is not the only one that matters. What about how what you do effects the rest of the WORLD? I see, read, hear all these comments about how:

1) "lazy American liberals sit on their asses and collect government checks"

2) "my hard earned money/tax dollars are going to 'them' (ie-the "lazies" above)

3) "why do we have to rush over and HELP OTHER countries all the time?" / "damn illegal immigrants are taking all of our jobs!"

4) "why can't people learn to speak English if they're going to live in America?"

5) "bleeding heart liberals..."

Well, I'd like to say in response:

1) Anyone who makes a statement like this has obviously never been poor, needed assistance or had to deal with these "handouts" they think others are receiving. First of all, it's not like you just "get money" for being "lazy." Admittedly, there are SOME people who are working the system, but let's be realistic - it's not many. It is not easy to get assistance so it is REALLY hard to just get it undeservingly. Probably 1% of people are not deserving or needing of it. In order to receive these "handouts" you must be permanently and totally disabled, blind, or at least 65. And have proof. Then, they don't give you enough money to realisticall survive. You receive such a small amount of money that it's probably an average person's weekly check - once a MONTH. They give you just enough money to keep you poor. If you manage to save any up, they stop giving it to you. If you get a job, they take it away immediately. Oh, they give you money just for food, but it's not much unless you have kids. The kids have to be little too, under the age of 5 I believe. Sure, they give you medicaid. You may only go to certain doctors, they won't cover all treatments, tests or medications so most comes out of pocket. And trust me, they don't treat you the same in the medical facility. So yeah, definitely, these people sure are just being lazy and just "taking handouts." BTW-unemployment=your tax dollars paying for someone to not work! wrong. It's like insurance. You pay into it on your own at your job. They let you go wrongfully, you get the money back you paid.

2) YOU are not the only person that is paying taxes. Why are people ok with their tax dollars being spent on things like bombs to blow up people in another country that we have NO BUSINESS being at war with!? They had nothing to do with the supposed reason we went to war (9/11 - does anyone remember that?), AND we took down their leader! So, you will hand over part of your paycheck for that, but not for someone in your OWN country to be able to feed their children or receive medical care?! I SERIOUSLY have a problem with that. So, do this: since some of us support our tax dollars being spent on our own people and some of us support them being spent on things like war; pick where you are ok with your money going and pretend it's going there. I'm paying taxes. So are you. So I consider my money being spent on public aid, medicare, medicaid, etc. You don't? Ok, you're funding the war. That seems like a completely fair way to think of it, no?

3) See above. You are ok with us going to other countries to control how they live, what they do, their laws, their leaders, but not going to aid those who are in need of help: food, clothing, shelter, medical care..? Well, if that's so, then screw you. You suck. I do not like you! Make up your mind, are we going to help people or not help people?! You can't help them only by force/war!

4) Good point. I mean, the United States started as an English speaking country so we should all speak English. Can someone please tell me what jobs illegal immagrants are taking that you want so badly? Is it all the vineyards, orchards, manual labor that you're just DYING to get into that they are taking from you?! Of course I'm not saying that's all they do - but seriously. What lazy ass American is going to work as hard as a Mexican man (for example) who is trying to support his family and put food on the table. I bet you the same place would hire you. Go fill out an application. And don't bitch about the crappy pay you're going to get. Ya know, take a trip to a veteran's home and talk to an old black man and let him tell stories of how he risked his life so you could have what you have today. Ask around and find an old Jewish lady and let her tell you what her family had to go through for her to even survive. They're not here just for the hell of it and unless you're a native American you don't have the right to bitch about anything anyway!

5) Suddenly, because someone gives a damn about anyone but themselves, they're a "bleeding heart liberal??" or maybe a tree hugger. I am losing all faith in humanity. Come on you guys. It's not about "I'm an American, screw the rest of the world!" - we are all PEOPLE! Living beings for that matter. There is never a reason to harm any other living thing for any reason. Who are you to decide how or when someone lives? Some people actually get MAD that others recycle!!! What... the... HELL? How about we make it a law that people have to recycle plastic so our dependancy on foreign oil lessens? What would you do then? Break the law? Chill out, those "bleeding heart liberals" you're complaining about are the ones trying to make the life of the place we ALL live longer. Your decisions to blatently disregard what is good for the Earth effects the entire WORLD.

If this offends you, well get over it. We need to start working towards the better of the people, our country, and our world/humanity in general instead of working so hard at disagreeing and trying to force our ways on someone else. Live and let live - but don't be selfish and ignorant about it, only to make someone else's life harder. Stop bitching. Be good to other people. When you go home from church on Sunday just remember that the point isn't to tell everyone else what to do, it's to be a good person. Jesus tried to feed and save the world, and you don't even want to help your neighbor? Practice what you preach!

Oh, and ps - Jesus wasn't white. Seriously. Who have you ever seen from that part of the world that's white?

Life can get in the way of living..

I found this today. Wrote it back in March... just figured I'd post it, as it's still fitting.

I've come to the realization that the things I've longed for for years now, are the very things other people tried to convince me I didn't want. I used to be completely satisfied with the person I was, the life I had, the choices I was making, and the people accompanying me in my journey through the unknown, day by day experience that is life. No one understood me or my ways, why I loved who or what I loved, and why I lived my life the way I did. I never did anything incredibly strange - I was just simple. I enjoyed the simplicities of every day, I purposely spent as much time with my family as possible and wanted every minute of that time, I didn't go out or party, or do much but just BE. I didn't have huge plans for life - just to be happy... not that I didn't have goals, because I did; but I knew I could do it - whatever "it" was. I never felt like I fit in, but I knew that was only because I was different than most. I just learned from watching others live their way but still preferred mine. Long story short, life got in the way of things... I got lost, confused, alone. And several people convinced me I needed to change - be more like them. No one my age spent so much time with their family, they went out, they moved away, they did this & they did that.. etc, etc. I became desperate for a change because I was so confused and began to listen to all these "recommendations" as to how to live; the "right" way. As a result of that, I've lost touch with myself, WHO I am (or was) and over the past couple years, due to a combination of life's circumstances and "advice" from others causing me to forget my own ways, I've become bitter, bitchy, boring and regretful. These very same people who steered me in this "direction" now say they miss who I once was. I'm not trying to blame anyone. Obviously I am in full control of who and what I am. I just had weak moments and turned the wrong way to find help. It's my fault. In the recent years and months I've learned one must let life be what it be, and accept what made you who you are, and never run from where your roots are planted because they follow you everywhere anyway. Life is better spent indulging in what the world has to offer than running from yourself or towards what you think you want life to be.. and most people seem to try to ignore that.

Be who you are, where you are, and remember where you came from... that doesn't mean forget where you want to go, just enjoy the way there.

Birkenstock Removal

Ryan and I road tripping through Puerto Rico. We rented a Yaris and drove from San Juan to Ponce to Rincon and back to San Juan. He wanted me to video the drive... I was really bored! So in order to eliminate some boredom I was a total smartass to Ryan! He was grumpy that day. It was funny hehe :)

ps - My mom always wears Birkenstocks! ;)

nightfall

house is still

silently weeps

creaking crack of the floors

crisp, cool sheets

smell of lavender and cologne

while amos sings to me

breath on my neck

caressing my skin

love's alluring whispers

twilight trickery

night got the best of me

the dawn yields no you

self preservation

Isn't it interesting how the "right" thing to do is usually the hardest? But what of a situation when the right thing for you isn't the right thing for another?

It's strange to think about humans and how we operate, when you really try to think about it. All the emotions and thoughts we have.. The fact that we cry or feel or think, smile or laugh. We can feel exhilerated or happy, or be so caught up in the thought of someone or something that we can't even function, can't sleep, can think of nothing else. It truly boggles my mind when I attempt to give it deep thought. That we can inflict these things upon others - is it a gift or a curse? It's wonderful to make someone feel proud or loved, excited, needed, wanted. But what happens when those things turn around, when you make someone hurt, desperate, lost, sad, alone? There's nothing to be done to disperse those feelings; and even if they eventually change back to positive emotions, there's still some sort of scar, a reminant of the hurt that once was there.

So what is to be done when the right thing (for you) only hurts someone else? You can tell someone not to hurt, don't let it bother them; it's "for the best," but that changes nothing. Emotions cannot be controlled. As powerful as we are, there is nothing we can do to over-ride thoughts or feelings. So is it better to do what you know will hurt someone else, so you can function normally again? Or sacrifice yourself in order to save them a little pain? Which hurts more in the long run? Isn't it human nature to concentrate on the bad, instead of being glad for what once was? Seems we only miss the things from our past, and they haunt our minds for the rest of our existance. Love lingers inside us forever; unforgettable, uncontrollable. The same sometimes applies to hatred. Memories are a wonderous, terrible thing...

At times one must stop caring more about everyone else, and take care of ones self. Selfish? Depends on the situation and how it's gone about, or how often it's done. But mostly, (when executed correctly) it's self-preservation. It's hard to forget about another to care about yourself, though. But... the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do; is it not? Best to move on and not look back..? Seems that's easier said than done..

wicked world

seep within me for a while
no more need to fake a smile
i'll hide you
from the wicked world

find the child that's still inside
cradle him and let him cry
i'll protect you
from the wicked world

wipe his tears and kiss his cheek
it's alright to just be weak
i'll strengthen you
from the wicked world

let your spirit tear and break
there are times that one must ache
i'll mend you
from the wicked world

fill your heart with my soul
together we will make you whole
i'll recover you
from the wicked world

make me your something to hold onto
what i need is to save you
i'll love you
forget the wicked world

I Can See That... Life is Good!

Wow, the world has detail again!

Ryan and I decided to make use of my new vision insurance on Saturday on a whim (I know, living life on the edge. Who says we're not spontaneous?!) since it's been over two years since my last eye exam/glasses, etc. It's still a hard pill for me to swallow; I always had perfect (I mean PERFECT) vision growing up. It was my "thing" in my family. Oh well, that's another story - and one that no one has interest in like me ;)

Anyway, we spent a whopping 3 hours at LensCrafters only to find out they could not finish the glasses in 1 hour; which was my goal and by then I had spent so much time thinking and deciding and so forth that I wanted them that day. However, they didn't have any frames I really cared for anyway, even after spending hours trying them on, looking in mirrors, taking photos - none of them got me all that excited. I have a hard time making decisions anyway. Ryan hates going out to eat somewhere new with me, cause who knows what the heck on the menu is good?! You'd think it was the decision of a lifetime... I can't even manage to pick out a candy bar swiftly. Beyond that though, there was just nothing there I liked too much. I felt defeated and like I had wasted our day.

We decided to step away for a bit to gather our thoughts (ok, just my thoughts) and ventured out to the next nearby LensCrafters that could complete them within an hour. If there was nothing there, we'd just go back and order the ones I was considering, but I really didn't want that so had my fingers crossed. It seemed they had a larger selection and after only a few minutes of trying on frames I found some I really liked! :) See, it's easy to know what you like when you don't have to talk yourself into the lesser of two (or 12) evils. So we left them to be made, did our thing wandering around killing time in the ghost town excuse for a mall that Crestwood now is, 'twas quite eerie to walk through a mall with nearly nothing left. Seriously. Creepy. The food court looked like something you'd see in a movie where we were the only survivors... we investigated the lower level to find this abandoned food court, still lit and full of chairs and bad music, as though it had no idea the world was going to end and was ready for life that day, which never came... still waiting patiently for life to return..

When we went back to pick up my new "must wear them all the time" glasses, the lenses were so glare-free and clear they looked like just frames. I put these suckers on and low and behold, the world has texture and spunk! I can see the threads in my jeans... each individual hair on my head... the color variations/textures in our concrete floors - it's like I ran an unsharp mask filter over the world! I had no idea I was missing so much! Like I said, it is hard for me to accept needing glasses anyway, but damn I had no idea I was missing all the little details in life I've always loved noticing! I thought the world was becoming dull and boring, colorless, bland, boring... my old lady eyes were just dragging me down!

I grew up drawing intensively detailed graphite drawings and have seriously always been extremely intrigued by tiny details that are hard for most people to see, or care to see, with the naked eye. It's probably silly to most people but it's like a little part of me was dead inside by not being able to notice those little things anymore... I feel like I found a part of who I was as a kid, all by some silly ol' glasses.

Isn't it weird; the things that excite us as we grow older? I never dreamed I'd be into the thought of good insurance, time to sit at home with nothing at all to do and being thankful for it, the realization that babies REALLY DO grow up too fast, being able to take a NAP!!!

For the first time in so many years, I am completely happy with where I am in life. There are a few things I worry won't happen or I won't have time for, and that is really my one and only concern... besides that I am truly in a good place. I have a good job that pays well, have awesome health insurance so I don't have to worry so much anymore, working my way out of debt, am on very good terms with my family (would be nice if I could see them more), planning an awesome vacation that I can actually afford to pay for instead of relying on someone else to take me, and have an overall great life that I share with an amazing person who I love far more than myself... Life is good! And now I can see all those little things I was missing before :)

Thank God for being old enough to appreciate that sort of thing, but not so old that I don't have time to enjoy it! Now if I could just get rid of all the rednecks, hypocrites, republicans & bad drivers, my world would be perfect! :)

well why not..

So Ryan is always telling me I should start a blog, to vent, to ramble, to think out loud, to educate, to whine - whatever. Just to have it out there. So, here it is. I am pretty sure he just doesn't want to listen to me tell stories or gripe about the idiocies of the world and it's inhabitants that encourage me to climb my happy ass up onto that soapbox I enjoy so much, but I'll pretend to buy into the idea he just thinks it would be healthy and cathardic. ;) -I spelled that wrong....

So anyway, my first installment. Just a simple statement to further prove the ignorance of most people. It's sad really... but get this. I work for AT&T Advertising & Publishing; meaning yellow pages & yellowpages.com. I spoke with a business owner the other day who did not have his website linked to his yellowpages.com ad. I mentioned this and he said it was intentional. I said "you have a website and purposely don't have it linked to your online ad? Why in the world would you want to do that?" He said he didn't want people getting to his website from the yp.com ad... he intended the website to work as a separate entity (as if people are just going to aimlessly wander to his website from the internet!).

He said (prepare yourself!) "my ad is on yellowpages.com for people to find my phone number. I don't have my website on there in case they're not very computer savvy"

I said, "so, you have an ad online... so people who are not very computer savvy... can find your phone number... on the INTERNET?"

He replied "yep!"

Seriously. Really happened. *sigh*

If you don't understand how stupid that is; go lock yourself in the trunk of your car.

If you don't have a car, ask your neighbor to lock you in theirs. If you don't have a neighbor.... just punch yourself in the mouth.