Life can get in the way of living..

I found this today. Wrote it back in March... just figured I'd post it, as it's still fitting.

I've come to the realization that the things I've longed for for years now, are the very things other people tried to convince me I didn't want. I used to be completely satisfied with the person I was, the life I had, the choices I was making, and the people accompanying me in my journey through the unknown, day by day experience that is life. No one understood me or my ways, why I loved who or what I loved, and why I lived my life the way I did. I never did anything incredibly strange - I was just simple. I enjoyed the simplicities of every day, I purposely spent as much time with my family as possible and wanted every minute of that time, I didn't go out or party, or do much but just BE. I didn't have huge plans for life - just to be happy... not that I didn't have goals, because I did; but I knew I could do it - whatever "it" was. I never felt like I fit in, but I knew that was only because I was different than most. I just learned from watching others live their way but still preferred mine. Long story short, life got in the way of things... I got lost, confused, alone. And several people convinced me I needed to change - be more like them. No one my age spent so much time with their family, they went out, they moved away, they did this & they did that.. etc, etc. I became desperate for a change because I was so confused and began to listen to all these "recommendations" as to how to live; the "right" way. As a result of that, I've lost touch with myself, WHO I am (or was) and over the past couple years, due to a combination of life's circumstances and "advice" from others causing me to forget my own ways, I've become bitter, bitchy, boring and regretful. These very same people who steered me in this "direction" now say they miss who I once was. I'm not trying to blame anyone. Obviously I am in full control of who and what I am. I just had weak moments and turned the wrong way to find help. It's my fault. In the recent years and months I've learned one must let life be what it be, and accept what made you who you are, and never run from where your roots are planted because they follow you everywhere anyway. Life is better spent indulging in what the world has to offer than running from yourself or towards what you think you want life to be.. and most people seem to try to ignore that.

Be who you are, where you are, and remember where you came from... that doesn't mean forget where you want to go, just enjoy the way there.

Birkenstock Removal

Ryan and I road tripping through Puerto Rico. We rented a Yaris and drove from San Juan to Ponce to Rincon and back to San Juan. He wanted me to video the drive... I was really bored! So in order to eliminate some boredom I was a total smartass to Ryan! He was grumpy that day. It was funny hehe :)

ps - My mom always wears Birkenstocks! ;)

nightfall

house is still

silently weeps

creaking crack of the floors

crisp, cool sheets

smell of lavender and cologne

while amos sings to me

breath on my neck

caressing my skin

love's alluring whispers

twilight trickery

night got the best of me

the dawn yields no you

self preservation

Isn't it interesting how the "right" thing to do is usually the hardest? But what of a situation when the right thing for you isn't the right thing for another?

It's strange to think about humans and how we operate, when you really try to think about it. All the emotions and thoughts we have.. The fact that we cry or feel or think, smile or laugh. We can feel exhilerated or happy, or be so caught up in the thought of someone or something that we can't even function, can't sleep, can think of nothing else. It truly boggles my mind when I attempt to give it deep thought. That we can inflict these things upon others - is it a gift or a curse? It's wonderful to make someone feel proud or loved, excited, needed, wanted. But what happens when those things turn around, when you make someone hurt, desperate, lost, sad, alone? There's nothing to be done to disperse those feelings; and even if they eventually change back to positive emotions, there's still some sort of scar, a reminant of the hurt that once was there.

So what is to be done when the right thing (for you) only hurts someone else? You can tell someone not to hurt, don't let it bother them; it's "for the best," but that changes nothing. Emotions cannot be controlled. As powerful as we are, there is nothing we can do to over-ride thoughts or feelings. So is it better to do what you know will hurt someone else, so you can function normally again? Or sacrifice yourself in order to save them a little pain? Which hurts more in the long run? Isn't it human nature to concentrate on the bad, instead of being glad for what once was? Seems we only miss the things from our past, and they haunt our minds for the rest of our existance. Love lingers inside us forever; unforgettable, uncontrollable. The same sometimes applies to hatred. Memories are a wonderous, terrible thing...

At times one must stop caring more about everyone else, and take care of ones self. Selfish? Depends on the situation and how it's gone about, or how often it's done. But mostly, (when executed correctly) it's self-preservation. It's hard to forget about another to care about yourself, though. But... the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do; is it not? Best to move on and not look back..? Seems that's easier said than done..

wicked world

seep within me for a while
no more need to fake a smile
i'll hide you
from the wicked world

find the child that's still inside
cradle him and let him cry
i'll protect you
from the wicked world

wipe his tears and kiss his cheek
it's alright to just be weak
i'll strengthen you
from the wicked world

let your spirit tear and break
there are times that one must ache
i'll mend you
from the wicked world

fill your heart with my soul
together we will make you whole
i'll recover you
from the wicked world

make me your something to hold onto
what i need is to save you
i'll love you
forget the wicked world

I Can See That... Life is Good!

Wow, the world has detail again!

Ryan and I decided to make use of my new vision insurance on Saturday on a whim (I know, living life on the edge. Who says we're not spontaneous?!) since it's been over two years since my last eye exam/glasses, etc. It's still a hard pill for me to swallow; I always had perfect (I mean PERFECT) vision growing up. It was my "thing" in my family. Oh well, that's another story - and one that no one has interest in like me ;)

Anyway, we spent a whopping 3 hours at LensCrafters only to find out they could not finish the glasses in 1 hour; which was my goal and by then I had spent so much time thinking and deciding and so forth that I wanted them that day. However, they didn't have any frames I really cared for anyway, even after spending hours trying them on, looking in mirrors, taking photos - none of them got me all that excited. I have a hard time making decisions anyway. Ryan hates going out to eat somewhere new with me, cause who knows what the heck on the menu is good?! You'd think it was the decision of a lifetime... I can't even manage to pick out a candy bar swiftly. Beyond that though, there was just nothing there I liked too much. I felt defeated and like I had wasted our day.

We decided to step away for a bit to gather our thoughts (ok, just my thoughts) and ventured out to the next nearby LensCrafters that could complete them within an hour. If there was nothing there, we'd just go back and order the ones I was considering, but I really didn't want that so had my fingers crossed. It seemed they had a larger selection and after only a few minutes of trying on frames I found some I really liked! :) See, it's easy to know what you like when you don't have to talk yourself into the lesser of two (or 12) evils. So we left them to be made, did our thing wandering around killing time in the ghost town excuse for a mall that Crestwood now is, 'twas quite eerie to walk through a mall with nearly nothing left. Seriously. Creepy. The food court looked like something you'd see in a movie where we were the only survivors... we investigated the lower level to find this abandoned food court, still lit and full of chairs and bad music, as though it had no idea the world was going to end and was ready for life that day, which never came... still waiting patiently for life to return..

When we went back to pick up my new "must wear them all the time" glasses, the lenses were so glare-free and clear they looked like just frames. I put these suckers on and low and behold, the world has texture and spunk! I can see the threads in my jeans... each individual hair on my head... the color variations/textures in our concrete floors - it's like I ran an unsharp mask filter over the world! I had no idea I was missing so much! Like I said, it is hard for me to accept needing glasses anyway, but damn I had no idea I was missing all the little details in life I've always loved noticing! I thought the world was becoming dull and boring, colorless, bland, boring... my old lady eyes were just dragging me down!

I grew up drawing intensively detailed graphite drawings and have seriously always been extremely intrigued by tiny details that are hard for most people to see, or care to see, with the naked eye. It's probably silly to most people but it's like a little part of me was dead inside by not being able to notice those little things anymore... I feel like I found a part of who I was as a kid, all by some silly ol' glasses.

Isn't it weird; the things that excite us as we grow older? I never dreamed I'd be into the thought of good insurance, time to sit at home with nothing at all to do and being thankful for it, the realization that babies REALLY DO grow up too fast, being able to take a NAP!!!

For the first time in so many years, I am completely happy with where I am in life. There are a few things I worry won't happen or I won't have time for, and that is really my one and only concern... besides that I am truly in a good place. I have a good job that pays well, have awesome health insurance so I don't have to worry so much anymore, working my way out of debt, am on very good terms with my family (would be nice if I could see them more), planning an awesome vacation that I can actually afford to pay for instead of relying on someone else to take me, and have an overall great life that I share with an amazing person who I love far more than myself... Life is good! And now I can see all those little things I was missing before :)

Thank God for being old enough to appreciate that sort of thing, but not so old that I don't have time to enjoy it! Now if I could just get rid of all the rednecks, hypocrites, republicans & bad drivers, my world would be perfect! :)

well why not..

So Ryan is always telling me I should start a blog, to vent, to ramble, to think out loud, to educate, to whine - whatever. Just to have it out there. So, here it is. I am pretty sure he just doesn't want to listen to me tell stories or gripe about the idiocies of the world and it's inhabitants that encourage me to climb my happy ass up onto that soapbox I enjoy so much, but I'll pretend to buy into the idea he just thinks it would be healthy and cathardic. ;) -I spelled that wrong....

So anyway, my first installment. Just a simple statement to further prove the ignorance of most people. It's sad really... but get this. I work for AT&T Advertising & Publishing; meaning yellow pages & yellowpages.com. I spoke with a business owner the other day who did not have his website linked to his yellowpages.com ad. I mentioned this and he said it was intentional. I said "you have a website and purposely don't have it linked to your online ad? Why in the world would you want to do that?" He said he didn't want people getting to his website from the yp.com ad... he intended the website to work as a separate entity (as if people are just going to aimlessly wander to his website from the internet!).

He said (prepare yourself!) "my ad is on yellowpages.com for people to find my phone number. I don't have my website on there in case they're not very computer savvy"

I said, "so, you have an ad online... so people who are not very computer savvy... can find your phone number... on the INTERNET?"

He replied "yep!"

Seriously. Really happened. *sigh*

If you don't understand how stupid that is; go lock yourself in the trunk of your car.

If you don't have a car, ask your neighbor to lock you in theirs. If you don't have a neighbor.... just punch yourself in the mouth.