Stray People

So today I came off the 64 exit to Grand & a guy was sitting there in the near 100 degree weather holding a sign, the typical "homeless please help" sort of thing...

I came back by on the way home 2 hours later and he was still sitting there, wiping sweat from his brow... he was dirty and sweaty and looked pretty sad.. sometimes I wonder if these people are really homeless or just trying to "trick" us. But even if he's not really homeless - things must be pretty rough to sit on a noisy corner all day in the terrible heat and sun relying on a good hearted person to drive by and throw out some spare change, because we all know how disconnected people are now & how most of the world has learned to become callus to the suffering of another and turn their cheek.

So I went to the gas station, bought a big bottle of water & a sandwich for him. Returned to his spot & he was still there. I rolled down the window & said "I have somethin for ya" - handed him the water & he started to sit back down. Reached back out with the sandwich & he smiled & took it. Then I gave him $2 - it may not be much but it won't break me and everyone could use a lift when they're down. It's not like someone HAS to be homeless to deserve help. I told him good luck and he kindly thanked me. I wish I could offer him a shower and a home cooked dinner.... but the world is too cruel to trust a stranger these days. So heartbreaking that we can't even help our fellow man for fear that he may hurt us.... I hope he finds his way in this world.

I feel like the little girl I was who wanted to help the stray cats and dogs has grown up into someone who wants to take care of all the stray people... it's too hard and risky to help them all. So I usually just keep driving and it breaks my heart every time. Even if these people really aren't homeless, everyone could use something to eat and/or drink. I've thought about keeping a case of water in my car to give to people like him, but it's so hot in MO it wouldn't be good to drink...

I watched him in the mirror though... he opened the water & drank about 1/4 of it before he stopped... then he wiped his head... and opened the sandwich and started eating it & then I noticed he had missing teeth by how he was eating, maybe no teeth. I was so close to offering him a ride to air conditioning & a shower... but I can't bring some man into my home without any real idea of what the outcome would be... my heart hurts... I hope he finds something to give him a new life or that this is only temporary. I wish I had the answer for him, and the rest of the stray people out there. But I'm only one person, and there are so many strays... if only the rest of the world gave a damn. All of us, not just some. We're supposed to all be in this together, we are MANKIND but everyone is so divided. I fear it will grow worse with time, as that is what history has shown. Prove me wrong world, please?

Rainy Day Drunk

::: An oldie but goodie... from October 2006 :::

I called my boss yesterday to ask about what time to be at the office today and was told I could have the day off... I had plenty to do for class so accepted this as a stoke of luck. I drove to SIU in the nasty, cold rain.. and once I had accomplished everything I was capable of within those few hours, followed the same route back home. The weather was disgusting, but the scenery was amazing. The leaves have finally managed to change color a bit, so there are several trees with bright yellow leaves... the rain saturated all the colors of the leaves and darkened the trees beneath the glowing foliage so they nearly burned while suspended in air. It was surprisingly satisfying, and driving over the leaf-covered pavement I felt a sense of calm serenity and contentment. Life is good.

I approached a figure on the side of the road as I passed through Tamms. My intitial thought was to continue driving, as I normally would. People are scary these days, no one can be trusted and you never know what motives a person has as they are road-side wandering. I glanced at my rear view which displays the outer temperature and it read 45 degrees - pretty cold for in the windy rain. All of this happened within less than a second and as I looked at this person (which at this point, I could not determine gender) I could not help but wonder why they would be walking in this kind of weather. The clothing was not of the highest quality, and this person's arm was raised in an attempt to block some rain from the face and eyes... this was definitely not a leisurely stroll for fun.

I pulled near the side of the road and shouted to the person that I would give them a ride. She turned around and beneath the raised arm and mist, I saw the weathered and exhausted face of this woman. She had a plastic bag in her hand. She declined the offer, then gazed ahead toward the distance left to travel. I asked if she were sure, and she then approached the car. I took this approach as a persuasion to accept and unlocked the door. She sort of stumbled into the car and dragged in her plastc bag. I had assumed it were groceries or something of the sort, but once I saw the bag I noticed it was filled tightly with cans of beer. She smelled very strongly of liquor. Her gaze seemed hazy. And the meloncholy realization fell upon me... she had walked in the cold, disgusting rain to the bar in town to get more liquor, after she was already quite intoxicated.

I pulled back onto the road and asked her how far we were going, and she pointed. I looked at her face again. She seemed like the kind of person that looked years beyond her actual age; cursed with the days of her life making an impression on her face. The form of her wrinkles and expression showed she had not been blessed with an easy life. Defeat. That was the description that fit her face. She looked a bit confused too. But defeat... the defeat in her face... it is undescribable.

We neared the driveway and she asked me to just let her out into the street. I insisted that I at least pull as close to the driveway as possible. She thanked me as she stumbled her way out of the car. I wished for insightful and wise words to leave her with, something that would make a difference, change her life, give her hope. But of course I had nothing... I simply told her to have a good evening and try not to get out in such nasty weather. All I could think of on my way home was the contentment I felt before my brush with this person, and how it was now that look in her eyes and face that would not leave me.

It amazes me the difference in addictions from person to person. Alcohol in particular. some love the entire experience.. they don't mind that they are alcoholics and infact, enjoy it; it is a way of life. They are happy, drunk or sober - but mostly when drunk. Then there are those like this defeated woman, who have given up somewhere, at some time. Something has taken over them and has a grip on them, they have no control, they are defeated. She wasn't getting liquor because she wanted it, she was getting it because she had to. There was no other choice. It had a hold on her. So she ventured out into inclement weather and let it control her... and didn't want to, but perhaps knows no other way. And therefore, she was defeated again. I always wonder what happened to these people and when.... was it from the beginning? From thier childhood onward? Did something happen later in life to make them give up? Sometimes it's easier to give up at the time... but that makes it nearly impossible in the long run. It's harder at the time to keep from falling apart and continue on, but later is easier if you held on during that terrible time; instead of having to pick up the pieces later.

I wonder what happened to this rainy day drunk and when, to make her give up. She may not be defeated during every moment of every day, but she certainly was when I happened upon her... I wish I knew something to help every person who feels the way she seemed to feel. The only advice I can offer is to not fall apart, because then you don't have to put yourself back together. Now, how you do that? That's beyond me...

america, the beautiful?

It saddens me how divided humanity is becoming. It disappoints me that Americans are so inconsiderate... I can't figure out what is wrong with people!

I honestly blame George Bush for the most part.. here is why. Politics always brought division between people, but it used to spark intelligent conversations and comparisons on what is best as a whole for our people. There used to be a difference of opinions, but a compromise was met a bit more - or at least the good of the people was the intention behind what was done (well, they used to be more convincing that was the intention, anyway).

During the 8 years of W (aka, hell if you ask me) Democrats really truly saw how much they disagree with Republican views; if this man is indeed that representation. This idiot representing the people of America was a rude redneck, a biggot and did not have much care for humanity. In fear of looking "wrong" the Republicans (most) supported every bad decision W made, and it seems that political parties have gone further from each other than ever. Meanwhile, Democrats sat by in shock that anyone could back this instead of admitting to a mistake. Feeling the need to counter-act that; they became far more liberal than before, to assure no one would suspect them of supporting the overwhelmingly conservative bad decisions being made by W.

No matter what your political views, consider this: America as a whole is now seen as a bunch of country bumpkin, ignorant, biggots by other countries because of him. Of course not all of us, but the over-all. Have we forgotten that WE (Americans) are NOT the only ones that count??? YOUR opinion is not the only one that matters. What about how what you do effects the rest of the WORLD? I see, read, hear all these comments about how:

1) "lazy American liberals sit on their asses and collect government checks"

2) "my hard earned money/tax dollars are going to 'them' (ie-the "lazies" above)

3) "why do we have to rush over and HELP OTHER countries all the time?" / "damn illegal immigrants are taking all of our jobs!"

4) "why can't people learn to speak English if they're going to live in America?"

5) "bleeding heart liberals..."

Well, I'd like to say in response:

1) Anyone who makes a statement like this has obviously never been poor, needed assistance or had to deal with these "handouts" they think others are receiving. First of all, it's not like you just "get money" for being "lazy." Admittedly, there are SOME people who are working the system, but let's be realistic - it's not many. It is not easy to get assistance so it is REALLY hard to just get it undeservingly. Probably 1% of people are not deserving or needing of it. In order to receive these "handouts" you must be permanently and totally disabled, blind, or at least 65. And have proof. Then, they don't give you enough money to realisticall survive. You receive such a small amount of money that it's probably an average person's weekly check - once a MONTH. They give you just enough money to keep you poor. If you manage to save any up, they stop giving it to you. If you get a job, they take it away immediately. Oh, they give you money just for food, but it's not much unless you have kids. The kids have to be little too, under the age of 5 I believe. Sure, they give you medicaid. You may only go to certain doctors, they won't cover all treatments, tests or medications so most comes out of pocket. And trust me, they don't treat you the same in the medical facility. So yeah, definitely, these people sure are just being lazy and just "taking handouts." BTW-unemployment=your tax dollars paying for someone to not work! wrong. It's like insurance. You pay into it on your own at your job. They let you go wrongfully, you get the money back you paid.

2) YOU are not the only person that is paying taxes. Why are people ok with their tax dollars being spent on things like bombs to blow up people in another country that we have NO BUSINESS being at war with!? They had nothing to do with the supposed reason we went to war (9/11 - does anyone remember that?), AND we took down their leader! So, you will hand over part of your paycheck for that, but not for someone in your OWN country to be able to feed their children or receive medical care?! I SERIOUSLY have a problem with that. So, do this: since some of us support our tax dollars being spent on our own people and some of us support them being spent on things like war; pick where you are ok with your money going and pretend it's going there. I'm paying taxes. So are you. So I consider my money being spent on public aid, medicare, medicaid, etc. You don't? Ok, you're funding the war. That seems like a completely fair way to think of it, no?

3) See above. You are ok with us going to other countries to control how they live, what they do, their laws, their leaders, but not going to aid those who are in need of help: food, clothing, shelter, medical care..? Well, if that's so, then screw you. You suck. I do not like you! Make up your mind, are we going to help people or not help people?! You can't help them only by force/war!

4) Good point. I mean, the United States started as an English speaking country so we should all speak English. Can someone please tell me what jobs illegal immagrants are taking that you want so badly? Is it all the vineyards, orchards, manual labor that you're just DYING to get into that they are taking from you?! Of course I'm not saying that's all they do - but seriously. What lazy ass American is going to work as hard as a Mexican man (for example) who is trying to support his family and put food on the table. I bet you the same place would hire you. Go fill out an application. And don't bitch about the crappy pay you're going to get. Ya know, take a trip to a veteran's home and talk to an old black man and let him tell stories of how he risked his life so you could have what you have today. Ask around and find an old Jewish lady and let her tell you what her family had to go through for her to even survive. They're not here just for the hell of it and unless you're a native American you don't have the right to bitch about anything anyway!

5) Suddenly, because someone gives a damn about anyone but themselves, they're a "bleeding heart liberal??" or maybe a tree hugger. I am losing all faith in humanity. Come on you guys. It's not about "I'm an American, screw the rest of the world!" - we are all PEOPLE! Living beings for that matter. There is never a reason to harm any other living thing for any reason. Who are you to decide how or when someone lives? Some people actually get MAD that others recycle!!! What... the... HELL? How about we make it a law that people have to recycle plastic so our dependancy on foreign oil lessens? What would you do then? Break the law? Chill out, those "bleeding heart liberals" you're complaining about are the ones trying to make the life of the place we ALL live longer. Your decisions to blatently disregard what is good for the Earth effects the entire WORLD.

If this offends you, well get over it. We need to start working towards the better of the people, our country, and our world/humanity in general instead of working so hard at disagreeing and trying to force our ways on someone else. Live and let live - but don't be selfish and ignorant about it, only to make someone else's life harder. Stop bitching. Be good to other people. When you go home from church on Sunday just remember that the point isn't to tell everyone else what to do, it's to be a good person. Jesus tried to feed and save the world, and you don't even want to help your neighbor? Practice what you preach!

Oh, and ps - Jesus wasn't white. Seriously. Who have you ever seen from that part of the world that's white?

Life can get in the way of living..

I found this today. Wrote it back in March... just figured I'd post it, as it's still fitting.

I've come to the realization that the things I've longed for for years now, are the very things other people tried to convince me I didn't want. I used to be completely satisfied with the person I was, the life I had, the choices I was making, and the people accompanying me in my journey through the unknown, day by day experience that is life. No one understood me or my ways, why I loved who or what I loved, and why I lived my life the way I did. I never did anything incredibly strange - I was just simple. I enjoyed the simplicities of every day, I purposely spent as much time with my family as possible and wanted every minute of that time, I didn't go out or party, or do much but just BE. I didn't have huge plans for life - just to be happy... not that I didn't have goals, because I did; but I knew I could do it - whatever "it" was. I never felt like I fit in, but I knew that was only because I was different than most. I just learned from watching others live their way but still preferred mine. Long story short, life got in the way of things... I got lost, confused, alone. And several people convinced me I needed to change - be more like them. No one my age spent so much time with their family, they went out, they moved away, they did this & they did that.. etc, etc. I became desperate for a change because I was so confused and began to listen to all these "recommendations" as to how to live; the "right" way. As a result of that, I've lost touch with myself, WHO I am (or was) and over the past couple years, due to a combination of life's circumstances and "advice" from others causing me to forget my own ways, I've become bitter, bitchy, boring and regretful. These very same people who steered me in this "direction" now say they miss who I once was. I'm not trying to blame anyone. Obviously I am in full control of who and what I am. I just had weak moments and turned the wrong way to find help. It's my fault. In the recent years and months I've learned one must let life be what it be, and accept what made you who you are, and never run from where your roots are planted because they follow you everywhere anyway. Life is better spent indulging in what the world has to offer than running from yourself or towards what you think you want life to be.. and most people seem to try to ignore that.

Be who you are, where you are, and remember where you came from... that doesn't mean forget where you want to go, just enjoy the way there.

Birkenstock Removal

Ryan and I road tripping through Puerto Rico. We rented a Yaris and drove from San Juan to Ponce to Rincon and back to San Juan. He wanted me to video the drive... I was really bored! So in order to eliminate some boredom I was a total smartass to Ryan! He was grumpy that day. It was funny hehe :)

ps - My mom always wears Birkenstocks! ;)

nightfall

house is still

silently weeps

creaking crack of the floors

crisp, cool sheets

smell of lavender and cologne

while amos sings to me

breath on my neck

caressing my skin

love's alluring whispers

twilight trickery

night got the best of me

the dawn yields no you

self preservation

Isn't it interesting how the "right" thing to do is usually the hardest? But what of a situation when the right thing for you isn't the right thing for another?

It's strange to think about humans and how we operate, when you really try to think about it. All the emotions and thoughts we have.. The fact that we cry or feel or think, smile or laugh. We can feel exhilerated or happy, or be so caught up in the thought of someone or something that we can't even function, can't sleep, can think of nothing else. It truly boggles my mind when I attempt to give it deep thought. That we can inflict these things upon others - is it a gift or a curse? It's wonderful to make someone feel proud or loved, excited, needed, wanted. But what happens when those things turn around, when you make someone hurt, desperate, lost, sad, alone? There's nothing to be done to disperse those feelings; and even if they eventually change back to positive emotions, there's still some sort of scar, a reminant of the hurt that once was there.

So what is to be done when the right thing (for you) only hurts someone else? You can tell someone not to hurt, don't let it bother them; it's "for the best," but that changes nothing. Emotions cannot be controlled. As powerful as we are, there is nothing we can do to over-ride thoughts or feelings. So is it better to do what you know will hurt someone else, so you can function normally again? Or sacrifice yourself in order to save them a little pain? Which hurts more in the long run? Isn't it human nature to concentrate on the bad, instead of being glad for what once was? Seems we only miss the things from our past, and they haunt our minds for the rest of our existance. Love lingers inside us forever; unforgettable, uncontrollable. The same sometimes applies to hatred. Memories are a wonderous, terrible thing...

At times one must stop caring more about everyone else, and take care of ones self. Selfish? Depends on the situation and how it's gone about, or how often it's done. But mostly, (when executed correctly) it's self-preservation. It's hard to forget about another to care about yourself, though. But... the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do; is it not? Best to move on and not look back..? Seems that's easier said than done..