I called my boss yesterday to ask about what time to be at the office today and was told I could have the day off... I had plenty to do for class so accepted this as a stoke of luck. I drove to SIU in the nasty, cold rain.. and once I had accomplished everything I was capable of within those few hours, followed the same route back home. The weather was disgusting, but the scenery was amazing. The leaves have finally managed to change color a bit, so there are several trees with bright yellow leaves... the rain saturated all the colors of the leaves and darkened the trees beneath the glowing foliage so they nearly burned while suspended in air. It was surprisingly satisfying, and driving over the leaf-covered pavement I felt a sense of calm serenity and contentment. Life is good.
I approached a figure on the side of the road as I passed through Tamms. My intitial thought was to continue driving, as I normally would. People are scary these days, no one can be trusted and you never know what motives a person has as they are road-side wandering. I glanced at my rear view which displays the outer temperature and it read 45 degrees - pretty cold for in the windy rain. All of this happened within less than a second and as I looked at this person (which at this point, I could not determine gender) I could not help but wonder why they would be walking in this kind of weather. The clothing was not of the highest quality, and this person's arm was raised in an attempt to block some rain from the face and eyes... this was definitely not a leisurely stroll for fun.
I pulled near the side of the road and shouted to the person that I would give them a ride. She turned around and beneath the raised arm and mist, I saw the weathered and exhausted face of this woman. She had a plastic bag in her hand. She declined the offer, then gazed ahead toward the distance left to travel. I asked if she were sure, and she then approached the car. I took this approach as a persuasion to accept and unlocked the door. She sort of stumbled into the car and dragged in her plastc bag. I had assumed it were groceries or something of the sort, but once I saw the bag I noticed it was filled tightly with cans of beer. She smelled very strongly of liquor. Her gaze seemed hazy. And the meloncholy realization fell upon me... she had walked in the cold, disgusting rain to the bar in town to get more liquor, after she was already quite intoxicated.
I pulled back onto the road and asked her how far we were going, and she pointed. I looked at her face again. She seemed like the kind of person that looked years beyond her actual age; cursed with the days of her life making an impression on her face. The form of her wrinkles and expression showed she had not been blessed with an easy life. Defeat. That was the description that fit her face. She looked a bit confused too. But defeat... the defeat in her face... it is undescribable.
We neared the driveway and she asked me to just let her out into the street. I insisted that I at least pull as close to the driveway as possible. She thanked me as she stumbled her way out of the car. I wished for insightful and wise words to leave her with, something that would make a difference, change her life, give her hope. But of course I had nothing... I simply told her to have a good evening and try not to get out in such nasty weather. All I could think of on my way home was the contentment I felt before my brush with this person, and how it was now that look in her eyes and face that would not leave me.
It amazes me the difference in addictions from person to person. Alcohol in particular. some love the entire experience.. they don't mind that they are alcoholics and infact, enjoy it; it is a way of life. They are happy, drunk or sober - but mostly when drunk. Then there are those like this defeated woman, who have given up somewhere, at some time. Something has taken over them and has a grip on them, they have no control, they are defeated. She wasn't getting liquor because she wanted it, she was getting it because she had to. There was no other choice. It had a hold on her. So she ventured out into inclement weather and let it control her... and didn't want to, but perhaps knows no other way. And therefore, she was defeated again. I always wonder what happened to these people and when.... was it from the beginning? From thier childhood onward? Did something happen later in life to make them give up? Sometimes it's easier to give up at the time... but that makes it nearly impossible in the long run. It's harder at the time to keep from falling apart and continue on, but later is easier if you held on during that terrible time; instead of having to pick up the pieces later.
I wonder what happened to this rainy day drunk and when, to make her give up. She may not be defeated during every moment of every day, but she certainly was when I happened upon her... I wish I knew something to help every person who feels the way she seemed to feel. The only advice I can offer is to not fall apart, because then you don't have to put yourself back together. Now, how you do that? That's beyond me...
